Back to School Basics…For Divorce
Special Thanks to Stephanie Robins, LCSW, Certified Collaborative Divorce Coach and Child Specialist, Co-Parenting Educator, Mediator, and Parenting Coordinator, for her guest appearance on The Divorce Do’s & Don’ts Show, on which much of this information is based. Link to Full Episode below.
It’s that time of year again. Open house, school supplies, new clothes and possibly new schools. For divorced parents or blended families, the new school year can also present a unique set of challenges.
Who’s responsible for back-to-school shopping? Who’s meeting the new teacher(s)? How will pick-up/drop off work as kids rotate houses or parents?
Here are a few tips to help back-to-school go as smoothly as possible for our children, so they can concentrate on the most important thing – their education and so you can concentrate on the most important thing – raising happy, healthy children.
Clothing
Most parenting plans cover educational expenses, including back-to-school costs. It often helps to set a budget for supplies and clothing, so parents and children can manage expectations.
If children will be rotating households during the school year, it may be a good idea to have school uniforms and/or outfits at both homes, so all they have to move back and forth is their homework.
If your children’s school doesn’t have uniforms, think simple basics that can easily be mixed and matched for more options. A couple of pairs of jeans and/or neutral bottoms, for example, can be paired with many different shirts and tops.
Supplies
Most teachers post online or email a list of school supplies each summer. If you are splitting the costs, decide in advance if you’ll split the list, or just have one person buy everything and the other parent reimburse their portion of the expenses.
Be sure to take advantage of back-to-school sales and any tax-free days that your state may offer!
Homework
Each child should have some type of homework journal that each parent can review and track.
Make sure that your house has a neat, clean, preferably TV-free space for children to get their homework done. This can be as simple as the dining room table or kitchen counter.
If you don’t have a desk or place to keep supplies, you may want to get an inexpensive plastic bin with pencils, erasers, paper and other basic homework items. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just something that your kids can grab and have handy when they’re doing their homework.
Teacher Communication
Many schools now require that a copy of the Parenting Plan and/or Divorce Decree be kept on file for families of divorce. To make it easier for administrators and teachers, you may also want to provide them with a simple one-page document outlining some co-parenting basics at the beginning of each school year, and anytime the information may be updated. This may include*:
Contact information for both parents. Ask that, whenever possible, teachers email both parents simultaneously with any assignments, concerns, conference requests, etc.
Approved list for pick-up/drop off (i.e. parents, grandparents, neighbors, friends, etc.)
Emergency contact protocol.
Basic co-parenting schedule (where the kids are each school night)
Bus schedules (if children take different routes on different days)
Children need both parents as actively involved in their education as possible. If you and your co-parent still don’t communicate well, try using an app or program like Our Family Wizard that lets you post all your communication in a neutral place.
Really try not to put teachers in the middle. If you are worried that your kids aren’t getting enough sleep, the clothes they’re wearing to school are dirty or that homework isn’t getting done when they’re with the ex, address these issues with your co-parent, not your child’s teacher.
When a parent/teacher conference is requested, do your best to work around the teacher’s schedule and be flexible where possible so that both parents can attend.
School Events
Both parents should attend whenever possible and keep these events child-focused. These are not the times to debate co-parenting issues, even if they involve your child’s education.
At back-to-school night, focus on how your child is doing and ask and what you can do at your house to support their progress.
At school functions, try to focus on and enjoy your child’s performance. Even if you have what seems to be a legitimate cause for concern (i.e., your ex brings the new boyfriend/girlfriend), your child’s school function or athletic event is hardly the appropriate time or place to address it publicly.
The Bottom Line
Divorce is not our children’s fault, and our issues are not theirs. Co-parents should always keep their children, their education and their future the priority throughout the divorce process. Have adult conversations away from and out of earshot of the children, whenever humanly possible. Work together cooperatively to make sure that your kids enjoy their childhood, have the best education possible and feel supported and loved by both parents every day of their lives.
*In the case where a school only allows communication with one parent, he/she should copy the other parent on all school correspondence and make sure they’re kept up to date on all school functions, grades, homework assignments, etc.